Reviews The Schoolhouse

The Vibe

When you ask people where they live, they don’t normally give you an area. They give you the nearest public transport station. Who knows where Fitzrovia or Belgravia are? Tottenham Court Road and Victoria? Got it. This is just as well for Clapham because Clapham has two Overground stations and three Underground. Clapham Junction is so big and so connected that even people living north of the river use it to get into Victoria or Waterloo quicker. The Schoolhouse is in Battersea. Nearest station: Clapham Junction. You’re welcome. But it’s on this great little stretch that falls in between RuggerBugger-land and Nappy Valley. No chanting and no pushchairs. It’s on a street of bars and restaurants (St. John’s Hill) for South Londoners with taste and without offspring.

So, for this demographic, The Schoolhouse is perfect. It’s for people who have been out of school just long enough to enjoy the trip down memory lane, but not so long as to induce an expectant mother into a panic about the 11+.

The Order

Cool menu. Sticks with the theme. Starters are listed under “Registration”, sharers under “Teacher Conference” and mains are split into Old School and New School. Glasses are ‘stemless’ and many of the dishes are served on colourful plastic plates with specific compartments.

There’s a fantastic selection of beers so even though it’s a date, I suggest trying a beer each first before you dive into the Pinot Noir.

Sponge and custard for dessert, obviously. I knew one kid at school who only ate sponge and custard. He wouldn’t eat lunch unless it was on and if it was on he’d eat all of it.

The Game

I think it’s time to share some stories about when you were naughty at school e.g. “Once I was messing about and my biology teacher said, “Tom, I’ve really gone off you” to which I replied, “That does suggest you were once on me.”

This place is the perfect stimulus for cheeky conversation. Sure, you messed about at school, but does that mean you’re still a bit naughty now? Be suggestive, but keep it coy. And certainly don’t start comparing Facebook photos from your school days. She’s pouting. He’s posturing. Keep it strictly anecdotal.

Did you ever have a crush on one of your teachers? Or did it go a bit further? Did you ever do it at school? Did you ever show up to school drunk? Hint at your inner geek/jock/cheerleader – delete as appropriate.

The Faults

The exam at the end. Kidding. No faults here.

Sex factor

4. Naughty at school. Lost innocence. Am I still naughty? Yeah, I think this place is sexy.

Delicious food with new things to try! We ordered the porkchop and the steak and everything was absolutely spot on! Plenty of vegan/veggie options as well. I had the sweet caramel gnocchi as dessert and it was so scrumptious! Service was great and overall a great chill restaurant to go back to. We'll definitely be back!

Great burger and nice atmosphere. We add a delicious diner on a Saturday night. The food was excellent and the staff friendly. Huge selection of beers as well.

Very nice café, good food, friendly staff and warm décor . It's not the usual café for mums with babies in fact you order alcohol as well and it's a bit more noise than you would expect from a cafe.

Nicely themed bar with good selection of beers

I've been in London for a week now and this is by far the best food I've had. The atmosphere was cute and cozy, drinks were great as well! Both waiters that helped us were personable and endearing, I have absolutely nothing to complain about except for the fact that I didn't see a Furby 🙃

Went for a Sunday roast, but was stuck for choice. The menu has been updated and the new chef is doing his magic. Lamb, beef, chicken or a vegan wellington. I had the roast, which was a nice mix of nicely cooked meat, fresh broccoli, roast potatoes and carrots and a Yorkshire. They highlight was the gravy, they even brought extra. My surprise was the vegan roast, my friend ordered it and I tried it. They actually ran out of it because so many people ordered it without necessarily being vegan, it was an actual nice plate rather than just ‘the not meat option’. Service was great. It is a little slower when you can’t get to the bar to order drinks but that’s just Covid rules and I think everyone will get more efficient over the coming weeks. If you haven’t been, go!

Went for brunch on a Saturday morning - food was spot on... I even gave compliments to the chef which I don't usually bother with! They use Mission Coffee - one of the best and it's delicious. Plenty of beers on tap and can/bottle. Will definitely be back

Nice restaurant / bar with table service, with a school theme and decoration, including nice touches from toilets to chairs, tables and menus... The beer menu is particularly nice, including their own brew and a number of rotating draft beers. Food is OK revisiting modern pub classics. Quirky and a nice atmosphere.

I recently visited the Clapham area after moving away for work. The schoolhouse was always a favourite so I decided to pop in for old times sake. It did not disappoint. Loving the new addition to the menu of Chicken wings ( I had it with the hot sauce which I would recommend). Chicken stack is always my go-to if you’re looking for a proper main. Staff were very friendly as per usual and the drinks selection was amazing.